How to Work with the Root Pain of Anxiety
I’ve been there—the endless “what ifs,” the racing heart, the fear that something bad is about to happen. It’s exhausting. You might be trying everything: breathing exercises, self-help books, meditation apps. And maybe they help… for a moment. But then the anxiety creeps back in. Why?
Because sometimes the root of anxiety isn’t about managing symptoms—it’s about changing how we respond to uncertainty, fear, and inner pain.
In this post, I’ll walk you through how to work with the core patterns that drive anxiety—especially when nothing else seems to stick.
Why Coping Skills Alone Don’t Always Work
Let’s face it: most of us are taught to manage anxiety with techniques—breathe deeply, think positive, go for a walk. And those are great tools. But they don’t always get to the root of what’s really happening inside.
If you’re like me, you might overthink everything. You may replay conversations in your head or imagine worst-case scenarios constantly. That’s called rumination, and it’s one of anxiety’s favorite tools. Another big one? Imagining danger without believing we can handle it.
That’s where things get sticky. Because if I believe I can’t cope with what might happen, anxiety gets even louder. It’s not just the fear—it’s the fear of not being able to handle the fear.
A New Question: Not Why Am I Anxious—But How?
One of the biggest shifts I’ve learned is this: instead of asking, “Why am I so anxious?” I started asking, “How do I create and maintain this anxiety?”
I discovered that anxiety isn’t something that just “happens” to me. It’s something I participate in—by how I think, how I react, and even how I plan.
For example:
- When I constantly ask “what if?” but never answer the question, I’m feeding my anxiety.
- When I avoid making decisions because I want certainty, I get stuck in fear.
- When I imagine dangers I have no control over, I feel powerless.
Sound familiar?
Anxiety Is the Price of Planning (But There’s a Way Forward)
Here’s something that blew my mind: “Anxiety is the price tag for planning.” Anytime I think ahead—what if I lose my job, what if my partner leaves, what if I fail—anxiety shows up.
But the issue isn’t the “what ifs.” It’s that I never answer them.
So, I started experimenting. Every time I thought:
“What if I get sick?” I followed it with: “Then I’ll call my doctor. I’ll rest. I’ll ask for help. I’ll do what I can.”
When I started answering the “what ifs,” they stopped having so much power.
Why Uncertainty Feels Like a Threat
Let’s be real—life is full of unknowns. But if you’re prone to anxiety, uncertainty might feel dangerous. It’s not. It’s just uncomfortable.
My brain used to fill in the blanks with the worst-case scenario. If someone didn’t text me back, I assumed they were mad. If I didn’t get a job, I thought I must be broken.
I learned to practice tolerating ambiguity—to say “I don’t know” and be okay with that.
One simple exercise that helped:
- At the end of each day, write down 3 ambiguous things that happened.
- For each one, write 3 different, plausible explanations.
- Then admit: I don’t know which one is true.
This taught me that my first interpretation isn’t always correct—and that I can live with not knowing.
Anxiety Isn’t Just Fear—It’s About Control
Another big lightbulb moment for me: anxiety thrives when I believe I don’t have control.
For a long time, I entered relationships because I didn’t want to be alone. But then I would lose myself trying to manage the other person’s emotions, choices, or reactions. That left me anxious, exhausted, and disconnected.
Eventually, I learned to shift my focus. Instead of worrying whether someone else was “safe” to love or trust, I started asking:
“What skills do I need to assess this relationship?” “How can I protect my boundaries and honor my needs?”
It’s about shifting from external control (needing others to behave a certain way) to internal power (knowing I can respond wisely no matter what happens).
Root Work: How to Begin Healing
If you’re a highly-anxious person like me, here are a few truths to keep in mind:
✅ You are not broken.
Anxiety is not a character flaw. It’s a response—one that can change.
✅ You have more resources than you think.
Part of anxiety is underestimating yourself. Start taking inventory of what you’ve already survived, managed, and overcome.
✅ You can learn to face the unknown.
Through practice, support, and the right tools, you can build tolerance for uncertainty—and stop fear from running your life.
Takeaway: The Goal Isn’t Zero Anxiety
Life is full of risks, unknowns, and discomforts. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety entirely—it’s to develop the capacity to meet life as it is, with confidence, self-awareness, and grounded action.
Healing anxiety at the root means shifting how we relate to fear, ambiguity, and control. It means learning new ways to think, choose, and respond.
You don’t have to do it alone. Therapy, coaching, and mindfulness practices can all help.
Further Resources
- The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy, PhD
- Rewire Your Anxious Brain by Catherine Pittman, PhD
- Anxiety & Depression Association of America
- Therapy for Anxiety