Have you ever looked around and thought, “Everyone else seems to have it together—but me”? If you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone. Many of my clients walk into sessions with the heavy belief that they are somehow not enough. Not smart enough. Not good enough. Not lovable enough. This is why seeking counseling for low self-esteem can be so beneficial.
This core belief—of being fundamentally inadequate—can hijack our relationships, careers, and even our physical health. But here’s the truth: that feeling is powerful, yes—but it isn’t always factual. In fact, it’s often a result of years of distorted self-messages, trauma, and unmet emotional needs. Counseling for low self-esteem can help untangle these beliefs.
Let me share with you what I’ve learned as a counselor—and what science says—about how we can shift that belief through counseling for low self-esteem.
1. Check the Facts (Even When It Feels True)
As Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), explains: one of the first steps is asking, “Not good enough for what?” Maybe you didn’t land a job or maintain a relationship. But are you truly unworthy—or was it a matter of timing, skill gaps, or environment?
Feelings are not facts. This might be the most important takeaway. Clients often believe something is true because they feel it strongly. But part of the healing work is separating feelings from truth, and then learning skills to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be through counseling for low self-esteem.
2. Talk to Yourself—Yes, Really
Self-talk is one of the simplest, most effective tools to change the way you feel about yourself. But not just any kind of self-talk. Research shows that talking to yourself in the second person (e.g., “You can do this, Sarah!”) is far more effective than the usual “I can do this.”
Why? Because it taps into your social brain—it feels like someone is encouraging you, even if that person is your inner voice.
Elite athletes, musicians, and performers all use self-talk to boost performance. It’s a free, accessible, and science-backed tool you can start using today.
3. Name Shame, Then Disarm It
Shame often lies at the heart of low self-worth. It whispers, “You are fundamentally bad,” not just, “You made a mistake.” Dr. Linehan wisely distinguishes between shame that “fits the facts” (such as feeling regret over hurting someone) versus the kind that’s internalized from unjust societal messages (such as feeling ashamed for being queer or neurodivergent in a hostile culture).
Either way, shame loses its grip when brought into the light. Naming it in therapy—and deciding what to do about it—is a huge step toward healing to be achieved through counseling for low self-esteem.
4. Interrupt the Loop of Self-Sabotage
People with a “never good enough” belief often expect rejection. And here’s the trap: when they expect it, they begin acting in ways that actually push others away. I often coach clients to try a bold experiment: “Treat people as if they like you.”
The results? Stunning. People often respond with warmth, which helps build healthier feedback loops. It takes practice, but this single shift can be transformative and is often a result of effective counseling for low self-esteem.
5. Use Values, Not Feelings, to Guide Your Life
In therapy, we often talk about values—what really matters to you. Because feelings? They’re fickle. If you wait until you feel confident to try something new, you may be waiting forever.
Research summarized in F** Feelings* (yes, that’s the title of a bestselling book by Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Michael Bennett) backs this up. Letting values, not emotions, lead your choices helps ground your life in stability—not emotional chaos.
Cool Tools and Current Research
🧠 Kelly McGonigal’s Work on Self-Compassion and Motivation
Learn more about self-talk and how to motivate yourself without judgment in her TED Talk: “How to make stress your friend”
📚 “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris – A great ACT-based book on how to stop struggling and start living: https://thehappinesstrap.com
Final Thoughts
You are not broken. The belief that you’re “never good enough” is learned, and like anything learned—it can be unlearned. Therapy helps you find the truth beneath the shame. It offers tools, validation, and often, a new way of relating to yourself. If you’re seeking counseling for low self-esteem, it can guide you through this process.
If you’re ready to challenge that old narrative, reach out. The journey is hard—but it’s worth it. And you don’t have to do it alone.